From Then to Now: Personal Experience Shifts Perspective

When I was in my 20 s I facilitated parent orientation for a college. I was not long out of a Masters program in Counseling. I focused quite a bit on the emotional aspect of sending your child off to college and the importance of letting go. I shared slogans my mother had framed on her wall to remind herself of my need for independence. I recall seeing some parents weeping, and yet they left encouraged. Thirty years later it was a different experience when I was the mother letting go of my first born. The empathy I thought I had was now three octaves deeper. I had anticipated what parents felt, but it was a different story feeling it. For years I facilitated and consulted with teams in organizations. I was blessed to see many of those teams draw closer to one another and become more functional. I also worked with those in conflict. I loved when they would leave a session smiling, able to work together again, or even hugging. I had always been in a good stable team myself, or one where my independence allowed enough distance to not be impacted by anything that may feel toxic. Years later I was on a team where the dynamics were different, painful. It was an awakening, as I experienced the sense of hopelessness that many of my clients must have felt when I came in to work with my optimism. Life fills in the rest of the picture for us. Is it needed or always better to have experienced what those we help have gone through? There is often an assumption of yes. It depends on what we do with the experience. A touch of ignorance helps us lift others to believe what they may not have the faith to sustain. While it lacks the genuine ability to empathize, so there may be some missed targets in efforts to serve others. As we age, we migrate to youthful energy, maybe because we feel it slipping just a bit in us, at times. Positive energy, and optimism may take some hits from experience. We may need to avoid bias or even quiet cynicism. However, what can come through is gratitude, and a deeper sense of purpose. With that comes a desire to make a difference that matters. What I may have taken for granted years ago, or even entered into somewhat cavalier, I now recognize as much more important work. I am grateful to have done the work effectively. Yet, I now use my deeper awareness to inform my coaching of leaders, and mentoring of coaches. We all can use both: renewed hope through optimistic possibilities, and genuine understanding of how challenging the road to those possibilities might actually be.

What Are You Seeing?

I have a tiny three legged dog, named Dolly. She is seven pounds and was the runt of the litter that the breeders were planning on destroying. This tiny white fluffy pup has no obvious awareness of her limitations. She runs, balancing her body by partly hopping on one back foot and the one front foot. She may occasionally misstep or fall, but it’s nearly imperceptible to her. She can run up stairs, but waits atop of stairs in a stance expectant of someone lifting her, to take her down the stairs. Her bark is loud and clear when she tries to demand something, sounding as present as the large dogs nearby. And she continues to assume, by pawing us, that everyone would love to have her in their laps. People passing by look at her, and occasionally with an exaggerated sympathetic face, sharing their compassionate pity with us. It is wasted. She is a joy, a gift from God, and a beauty. How much does this mirror how God views us? We see our own limitations. And despite doing our best to be confident and press on, a sense of inadequacy may hover internally. Others may see us as one to be pitied. Or we may be putting our own worth at a lower level than others. What would happen if we adopted Dolly’s view of ourselves, and just rebalanced to make what we have work; expect the best; assume others will value us; and avoid internalizing what others see through their limited lenses? More importantly, we may want to consider how God sees us. He is not focused on our mistakes, our limited physical abilities, emotional or mental issues we strain against, how insignificant we seem, how inept we might feel at making friendships, or how we cannot accomplish what might be otherwise expected by others. He knows all of this but from a different view. He sees His perfect creation, that the world cannot destroy. He sees how our challenges will grow a heart of love, a mind of wisdom, and a spirit yielded to Him. He delights in the unique personality and resilience we bring in to this fallen world that he is redeeming. I cannot help but want to scoop up Dolly and carry her, even when she is groaning or not pleasant. God wants to lift us up today and show us how to run with three legs, and fill the space with our presence; even when we are the smallest voice in the room. He wants us to do it for His glory and His joy. And there is no limitation that can overshadow His love.

Good Friday Awakening

As dawn emerges from its quiet sleep, my mind is assailed with the questions of the times. Truth bears the scars, where tears proved inadequate to save. And hope awakens with me, in the infinite possibilities of the sacrifice laid down for all, even me. How dare the dawn bring forth such justification when it simultaneously illuminates the suffering, violence, evil and discord of the day. But it does. It’s rays land on the landscape where the Savior hung, accused and abused, not without cause, but without sin. And in the shadow of the cross, ingrained in our hearts, a love unheard of and untainted by the world remains. The chosen are those who choose to hope and receive the inconceivable and undeserved. In that light the dawn continues to shine, even as the sun sets.

So What’s the Difference?

20 years ago on this day we were attacked. An enemy from a particular group, with a particular ideology and particular plan came after the US. The differences between the crisis then and the crisis we have been in over the past year and a half are significant. On 911, when we were attacked, we banded together against this enemy. Yes there was finger pointing and analyses that attempted to incriminate, but by and large, we united against a common enemy and we supported those suffering loss and pain, while protecting one another. Emotions were raw, acceptable, and processed openly in churches, funerals, and other gatherings in the honesty of the tragedy. And the reality that chaos ensues and people do not know what to do when unknown danger strikes, was understood–even met with highlighting the stories of glory in the midst. This pandemic crisis has left so many without an enemy to focus our pain on, directing the anger, frustration, sadness, and fear would have been like punching the air. We did not fully processed our emotions, or easily band together to do this. Rather, we searched for enemies and made them out of the easiest targets we can find with whom we are different, whether Presidents, countries, parties, experts, faiths. Metaphorically, we built idols out of metal to cast our pain on, rather than bonding in it, accepting we feel it. No one likes to feel helpless, out of control, or afraid. And so many of us have chosen to point our feelings outward, to avoid processing emotions in the humility of our own souls. The heroes of 911–and there were many–were held in highest esteem, honored, and most importantly given support. People like police, EMT and those who stood up and took out an attacker at the loss of their own lives remain enshrined in our hearts with gratitude. In this pandemic we have made the mistake of forgetting our heroes, because we have made them relative to our own views. We started with identifying heroes in the pandemic as our healthcare workers and EMTs, researchers, and others who serve. But, we lost our way, as time has passed. Our enemies have been relative, and so is our appreciation and support for those fighting for us. Some are demonized, others burning out, and we just watch, entitled to our own perspective. 911 was a collective trauma, much more so for some than others. But even within the landscape of political criticism, we found our need to unite, to grieve, to allow the fear to prompt courage. As our current crisis drags on past an event, let not some of the lessons of the 911 tragedy be left in the past. How can we allow ourselves to process the real emotions that have accompanied this current crisis, where the number of deaths are in the millions? Can we unite again, and close the stark divisions that have sought out scapegoats for a crisis in whom the enemy is microscopic, not human.

Do You Want an Empowered Daughter? Listen to the feedback of your daughters

Many of us do not relish getting--or frankly even giving--feedback. But if you have had daughters, you are aware that you will receive it whether you like it or not! And rarely is the feedback put in the sandwiched package we like to teach in the workplace. If your daughter is anything but completely compliant, you have heard a few good comments about yourself that you may not have been ready to hear, especially if you are a mother. I remember when my girls were in their early teens and tweener years, just how much some of those comments could sting, make me doubt myself or even bring me down. We know that much of this is developmental separation from parents. However, the feedback in and of itself is often laced with some essential ingredients that are actually nutritious to our own growth as a person. The more angry it makes us, the more likely it is to have kernels of truth. As my girls have grown, their "feedback" still can hit me between the eyes at times. So how should we respond to direct comments that come at us--and why? When I reflect on myself over the past 25 years I see how I have grown and changed in so may ways for the better, solely due to some cutting, and honest feedback from my daughters--whatever package it came in--and regardless of their reasons for spewing it. Stopping and asking myself how I am coming across, if it is the way I want to be or should be, and if it is getting me where I want to go, makes a huge difference in what I do with the feedback. As a result, I change. There is another meaningful by-product to this reflection: Our daughters will recognize that their insight, voices, and intentions are not to be dismissed--that what makes them angry is worthy of expression. They experience that they can, in fact, influence change for the better, especially with those in authority. (There will be time to discuss how to communicate those thoughts better, when their is a readiness to learn, and if we model it). I am extremely grateful to my daughters for helping to shape me in to a better person. They have opened my eyes to my impact as a co-worker, a spouse and a friend. Listening to our daughters, despite the emotions running high or sharpness that the words may possess, will bring on unexpected, yet well needed transformation, empowering you both.

We All Need to Change

Any senseless death is overwhelmingly tragic; and when it is predicated on a silent lack of value for the person, it's beyond words. The rage that arises now is from the powerful undercurrent that is too easy to deny or even miss, if you are not subject to it. Yet the quiet driving force is ever present. The experience of injustice or even misunderstanding is common to the human condition. We are all generally self centered, and glory in our own perspectives that favor us, and often not reality. But, in very small ways we have all known the feeling, at work or in a family, of experiencing wrong and trying to articulate it to others who seem to just deny it out of a variety of perspectives. These responses may run from not noticing it; their seeing it, but it not serving them to acknowledge it; to out right lying. It's infuriating and yet we may just let it go and resign to the unfair outcome. But when your life or the life of those you love depend on others coming out of the haze and seeing what you see, patience will run short. Patience needs to run short.
The issues of racism are complex because they hit on personal experience, power, control, fear, opportunity, competitiveness, and more. In other words it draws out complex emotion. We in America do not like complexity. If you cannot get it in to 140 characters we lose attention. It's easier to point blame then solve a complex problem. It's easier to simply persuade than to bring multiple voices together to find the whole picture that will result in the best outcomes. And we lack humility. In our competitive arrogance, we need to be right, and so we struggle admitting we might not have the whole picture–that our own limited view or experience might be inadequate to assess the full situation. We all can fall prey to this. But right now many are opening eyes to see another angle–even if it took the power of social media and watching a horror that would have gone unknown or unnoticed in recent history to get us there.

The simple truth is that we all do wrong, whether we are prepared to admit it or not.
Ask yourself the question: WHAT AM I PRETENDING NOT TO NOTICE ABOUT MYSELF OR THIS SITUATION? (thanks Vital Smarts). We all need to change–And be appalled at the lack of value our culture has placed on an entire race of people, and on life in general.
We all need the bigger picture.

Change Management...Are You Seeing the Trees for the Forest?

Change Management...

Are You Seeing the Trees for the Forest?

Managing organizational change is a strategic initiative, and we look to systems, models and programs to make this challenge more effective for our desired outcome. In my 20 years of helping leaders make positive change, I am continuously reminded of the critical importance of the individual in this process--if the leader wants success. Many years ago Buckminster Fuller wrote about the power of the individual. That power can run in many directions. If you want to see large scale change happen successfully, you cannot ignore the needs or the power of the individual to make that happen.

The first step as a manager is to deal with you. What are your thoughts and feelings about the changes? Did you originate the change ideas, did you have input? What do you personally and professionally stand to gain from the changes? What do you stand to lose? How much patience do you have for the process? What will happen if you resist or do not comply? What will happen if those you work with or supervise do not participate or buy in? Do I share the vision for the change?
Once you explore your own thoughts, understanding and feelings around the changes, there is one more key perspective to consider. How committed are you to supporting your team through the changes?
It is essential to embrace the role of change supporter for others, if you want a successful transition. As a leader to others, your management of the transition with them will be more effectively if you genuinely want to support people through the change. Feigning encouragement or support going through the motions or just using the tools in a perfunctory way, will not be effective, and your underlying true thoughts and emotions will be apparent to your team. If you are excited about the changes or feel fearful and need to get the changes moving, engaging to support others may be more challenging. Still, it's like the old adage with a twist, “pay me now, or pay me more later.”

Once committed, you can move the change process along by recognizing that personal concerns jump in first and most prominently for staff as they encounter organizational change. Here are some questions to dialogue with your staff about, if  you are willing to make it safe for people to respond honestly. If your circumstances preclude you from making it safe, try tossing out the questions for the team members to consider on their own.

• What does this change mean for you personally and professionally?
• What is the first concern or fear that jumps out for you?
• What might you gain from the change?
• What are the losses you anticipate ( relationship connections, status, convenience, etc.)?
• What do you think you will need most from me during the transition, if I could realistically provide it?
• What is one idea you have for making this change most effective?

Regardless of how globally we might  think and plan, one person, who is influential, can start a ground swell of support or resistance. Tending the individual will multiply your power to make positive change.